Don't Cry

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Mother Teresa

Yesterday was a hard day. It didn't start out that way. It was a really great day. I woke up, felt pretty when I headed off to school, didn't spill coffee on myself in the car, enjoyed my students, went to a baby shower for a girl at worke, really enjoyed time with my colleagues, and went home to a GREAT husband.

Then I got this email. It stated that the pilot materials that I was told I would be using with my students this year were due - packed up, etc. in the office next Monday. Which means that starting next Monday, I will again be teaching with no materials. This sent me reeling. It shouldn't have. I should be more like the person who built his house on a rock....a little flooding shouldn't wreck my house. But it did.

I ran to the bathroom and sat in the bath and just cried. I mean CRIED. I think everything that has happened over the past year just came rushing back to me...and I was overwhelmed. I questioned God and cried to Him and asked Him "why?" several times. I asked about my babies, I asked about leaving my home, my friends, my family. I asked about why my husband still doesn't have a job. I pretty much interrogated God....and was met with silence.

In my heart, even as I yelled - I could see an image of my sweet heavenly Father holding me as I threw this tantrum. Hushing my cries and telling me it was okay. Eventually the still, soft voice whispered to me what I had known all along.

You were never promised comfort and "happiness."

You are extremely blessed.

You are being selfish.

God must love me a lot. He brought me to a place physically and emotionally where I could learn and grow...if I has stayed in Athens and been "happy" I don't think I would have ever been ready or willing for whatever God has in store for Matt and me. Praise be to God.

I don't have kids....but I do have kids

This is not a miscarriage or infertility post...I'm not really a mom, but I totally have kids (that I teach) and they do some hilarious stuff.

Yesterday I was teaching a class when the topic of not calling your teacher by her fist name came up....I made my sentiments known that I really don't like it. Well, of course, one little cute attention-needy student decided to test the waters and call me "Ms. Lydia." Well, this really didn't offend me, nor did it bother me as that is pretty much my name if I am in the South. Sadly as a teacher (as it is probably with parenting) you can either laugh at ouright obedience and inadvertantly encourage it (even if it's funny) OR you can stick to your guns and dole out a punishment. I doled out the good 'ol fashioned punishment.

I asked the one student who blatantly disrespected my wishes (along with the two jokers who were egging him on) to write 100 words discussing "Why I would not like anyone to act disrespectfully towards my mother." (See what I did there...I made me think of me as a person...not just a "teacher")

Anyhow, I came into school this morning and was met with a lovely 100-word essay that made me laugh. Here it is in its entirety, verbatim, no edits (except protecting the names of the "innocent"):

Why I should not let anyone disrespect my mom? These words are very important to me. I know in my heart that if someone even thought about disrespecting my mom, he would be in H.E. double hockey sitcks, with me. Also, no one disrespects my mom because she gives no one a reason to. Another reason is because my mom's boyfriend, Ron FYI he's 6'4" and probably 180 pounds of pure muscle and he mite have a (Wack! Bang! Bang!) talk with you. Overall, non one should disrespect your elders (cough, cough "name of kid who did"). But I'm not pointing any fingers.

I'm waiting on two other essays...

At Home...

Thank you to everyone for your love and prayers. We miscarried tonight at home - which is what we were hoping for. I was able to see sweet baby #2. It was hard, but healing.

I'm going to try and post the story of Baby #2 later this week. Every baby needs a story.

Much love and Many thanks,

-L & M

I don't know how it feels...

I was on the phone with my sister this morning - as I am most mornings while driving to school. She was asking me how I was doing...and I explained how I was feeling. This is when my sister said something that I had never thought of before. She said, "I just don't know how it feels."

So, how does it feel to lose a baby that you've tried really hard for and never met...it feels bad. I wish I could be more poetic, but it's seriously stinks. It's not fun. It hurts and it's hard.

But back to the question...how does it feel?

You sit. You just stay still and try not to move a muscle. You give a faint smile to your hubs and just wait for a heartbeat...knowing you're not going to hear one. You try to put everyone around you at ease - knowing they know and are somehow now incredibly awkward and not as talkative as before.

You question.My first response was, "God, I paid attention last time. I thought I got it. I thought I learned everything you needed me to learn from this." Enter my awesome husband who responded, "Lyd, I think He's teaching me something this time."

You get slightly angry and bitter and yes, envious. You wonder "why me?" Then you realize that you wouldn't wish this on anyone else."

You cry. You cry. You cry.

You reflect and try to figure out what you did wrong THIS time.

You wait for the baby to come - praying it will come on its own. Praying for the opportunity to say "Hello. I love you. Good-bye."

You plan...for the next baby. You plan for the future. You plan on God's goodness.

You praise God.

I've been bad at writing

Let me tell you what we have been up to since my last post:

I was able to get a job here in Portland.
Praise God.
Matt passed the bar.
Praise God.
My job is going smoothly.
Praise God.
We were able to rent the sweetest little house in the SE.
Praise God.
We are becoming more involved in our church.
Praise God.
We found out we were pregnant in early August.
Praise God.
We saw the beautiful heartbeat twice.
Praise God.
We couldn't find a heartbeat today & our precious baby #2 went home.
Praise God.

A lot of things become hard to understand when you find yourself in a situation such as this. You might question God or His will or intentions. I get that. I've been there - twice. But - my God is a good God. He's a good Father. He is growing me and shaping me and He has a plan. I praise God even in mourning - knowing that my babies will see Him in His full majesty before I do and never know pain and sorrow. One day perhaps I'll even hold them - but I trust them to be in the arms of my Savior for all eternity.

"The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; Blessed be the name of the Lord."